This is the dialogue for Riddle School. All punctuation and grammar is correct to the game. I have not changed it in any way.

Riddle School Dialogue Edit

[In Mr. Kahm's classroom, at the very start] Edit

Phil: *grooooan...*

Phil: I've been sitting here for two hours straight listening to addition facts.

Phil: All because I teased somebody, I'm in a special class.

Phil: I don't even have a smart teacher.

Phil: Right now I'm as free as a bird in a bird cage.

Phil: Alright, that's it. I'm getting out of this school.

Mr. Kahm: What's 131+42 again? I forget.

Phil: *groooooooan*.

[Title, 'Riddle School']

[Clicking South]

Phil: The teacher may not be smart, but he knows when I open that door.

[Clicking on left window]

Phil: During school, even the windows look dreary.

[Clicking on right window]

Phil: That window's no different from its twin.

[Clicking on power outlet]

Phil: No outlet here!

[Clicking on small crack]

Phil: I know for sure this room was never on a designer show.

[Clicking on large crack]

Phil: You can tell this school's low-budget just by looking at that.

[Clicking on Mr. Kahm]

Phil: That's the teacher, Mister Kahm.

Phil: He asks me lots of questions because he doesn't know any of the answers.

[Clicking on sharpener]

Phil: That's it!

Phil: Hey, teacher! Could I sharpen my pencil?

Mr. Kahm: Only one person at a time!

[In the section of the hallway, outside Mr. Kahm's classroom] Edit

Phil: Now that was sharp! (I can't believe I said that.)

[Clicking West]

Phil: The school doors are shut during school hours.

Phil: I bet the principal has the keys.

Phil: I was there yesterday, and then I got sent to that class...

Phil: ..only last time, I was with the teacher.

Phil: It'll be harder this time. I don't even have a hall pass.

Phil: There's a hall guard right before you reach the hall's end.

Phil: Well, it's all the way down the hall and past the teacher's lounge.

Phil: If I can make it there, I'm as good as free.

[Clicking North]

Phil: NO WAY.

[Clicking on EXIT sign]

Phil: It's the EXIT sign. It represents sweet freedom.

[Clicking on bell]

Phil: To whom the bell doesn't toll...

Phil: rings when school ends.

Phil: ... which it doesn't. Ever.

Phil: Need I say more?

[Clicking on '5 for prez!' poster]

Phil: "5 for prez."

Phil: 5 is a popular guy in this school.

Phil: It's because of his 'VOTE 5' shirt.

[In the section of the hallway, outside Ms. Cophey's classroom] Edit

[Clicking on clock]

Phil: It's a clock.

Phil: It's also a reminder that I waste all my time at school.

Phil: That explains why I never pay attention to clocks anymore.

[In Ms. Cophey's classroom] Edit

[Clicking on picture]

Phil: That's a drawing by somebody named JonBro.

[Clicking on window]

Phil: Looking out there reminds me I'm trapped here.

[Clicking on trash can]

Phil: Wow, feather duster in a dustbin. Ironic.

[Clicking on trash can, again]

Phil: The only stuff I see in there now is useless trash.

[Clicking on Ms. Cophey]

Phil: That's my teacher, Miss Cophey, who drinks more coffee than anyone else I know.

Phil: She finishes teaching lessons two hours early in a hard-to-understand jittery voice.

[Clicking on Smiley]

Phil: That's Smiley. She's the only one in the school who likes learning.

Phil: Smiley's also the one I made fun of to be in that special class.

[Clicking on Phred]

Phil: That's Phred, my best friend and the most bored class member.

[Clicking on Zack]

Phil: That's Zack, who is always very cold. He has no problem freezing the water fountain.

[In the section of the hallway, outside the Janitor's Closet] Edit

[Clicking on gross spill]

Phil: You don't want to know what happened there.

[In Janitor's Closet] Edit

808: WHAT are you doing?


[Using feather duster on 808] Edit

808: You found my feather duster! Keep the change.

808: I've been looking all over school for this.

808: The playground birds needed dusting.

808: Well, I gave you a dollar. Don't waste it on socks.

[Clicking on 808]

Phil: That's the janitor. He's 5's dad, 808.

[Clicking on bucket]

Phil: Uh, Bucket, you spilled something.

[Clicking on mop]

Phil: That's a mop. It works like a towel.

[Clicking on broom]

Phil: I ate one of those for lunch yesterday.

[In Janitor's Closet, again] Edit

808: You'd better leave. Teachers get suspicious.

[In the Men's Room] Edit

[Clicking on dirty stall]

Phil: That's the only stall the guys ever use, mainly for graffiti.

[Clicking on untouched stall]

Phil: That's the untouched stall which is in perfect condition and currently on display.

[Clicking on sinks]

Phil: As crazy as it sounds, those are sinks. Just look at the sleek design!

Phil: I would have thought twice about escaping school if it all was that cool-looking.

[Clicking on pool of water]

Phil: A big, fat battery clogged the left stall's pipes and choked up all that water.

[In the section of the hallway, outside the Women's Room] Edit

Richy: Hey, it's me, Richy, the hall guard. Got a hall pass?

Richy: 'cause if you don't, you can't pass.

[Using hall pass on Richy] Edit

Phil: Yes, I do, so please get out of my way.

[Clicking North]

Phil: Listen, if I went in there, you'd hear screaming and shrieks, not only from anyone in there, but from me.

[In the section of the hallway, by the poster] Edit

[Clicking on 'This school has 7 students and more than 50 lockers. NO SANITY!' poster]

Phil: That's a poster I made at home because of the bizarre number of lockers in this school.

Phil: "This school has 7 students and more than 50 lockers! NO SANITY!"

Phil: No wonder this school's so low-budget. It was expected to be popular.

[In the section of the hallway, outside the Teacher's Lounge] Edit

Chubb: Oooooh...gimme a cookie.

[Clicking Chubb]

Phil: That's Chubb. There's not a person I know who's as fat and hungry as he is.

Phil: Yesterday I heard something about him swallowing his refrigerator.

[Clicking on fire extinguisher]

Phil: I think I'm safe. The last fire we ever had was when Mrs. Cophey's coffee spontaneously combusted.

[Clicking North]

Phil: The principal's office is past the Teacher's Lounge, but I can't get in. Chubb is in the way.

[Using the dollar on Chubb] Edit

Phil: Take the dollar, fatty.

[In the section of the hallway, outside the cafeteria] Edit

[Clicking East]

Phil: Getting out of school through that door's out of the question.

[In the cafeteria] Edit

[Clicking on Greg]

Phil: That's Greg, the least hungry and most restful student in school.

[Clicking on cookie-vending machine]

Phil: The cookie-vending machine is unfortunately broken.

[Clicking on diagram of the cafeteria]

Phil: That's the diagram of the cafeteria, reminding us all what it looked like clean.

[Clicking on infamous mustard smudge]

Phil: That's the school-famous Smiley Smudge.

Phil: That's how I made fun of Smiley--with mustard.

[Clicking on heck if I know]

Phil: That's green, unrecognizable gunk.

[Clicking on blueberry Wet-Ade]

Phil: Someone managed to spill their blueberry Wet-Ade up there.

[In the Teacher's Lounge] Edit

Teacher: What are you DOING here?!

Phil: I need to talk to the principal.

Teacher: And why is THAT?

Phil: It's an emergency!



Teacher: What are you DOING here?!

Phil: I need to talk to the principal.

Teacher: And why is THAT?

Phil: My teacher sent me up.


Teacher: GET OUT!


Teacher: What are you DOING here?!

Phil: I need to talk to the principal.

Teacher: And why is THAT?

Phil: Never mind.


Teacher: What are you DOING here?!

Phil: Standing.

Teacher: GET OUT!


Teacher: What are you DOING here?!

Phil: What teacher are you?

Teacher: That's none of your business!

Teacher: GET OUT!


Teacher: What are you DOING here?!

Phil: Wrong room.


Teacher: What are you DOING here?!

Phil: I need to talk to the principal.

Teacher: And why is THAT?

Phil: I want to tell him a joke.

Teacher: Oh, jokes are always fun! Go right on in.


Teacher: How nice of you to drop by.

Teacher: Bye, then!